


Get out of my head.

by Ephem3ral



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Idk what I’m doing, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, M/M, Minor Violence, Partying, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Swearing, This is so angsty, idk how to tag, just the first background on hyunjin, minsung - Freeform, nothing too serious I promise, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ephem3ral/pseuds/Ephem3ral
Summary: Lee Minho couldn’t get him out of his mind. In two months the only thing he could ask himself is why he would ever break upWith Han Jisung. And why couldn’t he shake these thoughts?Basically, Minho breaking up with Jisung was the worst decision of his life.





	1. Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I don’t know what I’m doing and I hope this isn’t bad but here have this thing I made. I didn’t beta much so I hope it’s not too bad. Thanks for reading if you do. <3 I’m sorry if it’s confusing it goes back and forth because Minho is a mess lol
> 
> Also they’re all aged up  
> Chan & Woojin - 24  
> Minho- 23  
> Changbin- 22  
> 2000 line- 21  
> Jeongin- 20 and isn’t allowed to drink in my fics because he’s s whole baby guys <3

They crashed and burned. 

 

Maybe it was always supposed to be this way. They were never going to work. It was expected right? Well to Lee Minho it was. Maybe. 

 

He could see them falling apart months in. It was sad how after being so sure of everything Minho found himself doubting it all. Did he love Han Jisung? Yes of course. He’d loved him for so long. Jisung was everything he could ever want. He was thoughtful, beautiful and oh so talented. His smile could brighten the darkest of days and the way his cheeks puffed out when he was mad was just the most precious thing Minho had ever saw. So why did they fail? Why didn’t it work? Why didn’t their feelings match anymore?

 

 

Minho has contemplated why they didn’t work for two months now. Two long months of not waking up next to the blonde hogging his plush pink blanket, two long months of this empty feeling he couldn’t shake. He always knew they wouldn’t last but why? Why did he have a horrid feeling deep down that jisung was temporary? Jisung never once showed Minho that their relationship was damned. So why? 

 

A heavy sigh left minhos lips as he rest back against his headboard, small fan blasting across his cheeks. Two months ago was simple. No maybe three months? They were together for so long. How did it end? Minho smacked his head in frustration against the headboard, causing himself to curse and grab the back of his head. God he needed to stop thinking about this. It’d been two months and he was still sulking. It was his fault they broke up. He didn’t have an excuse to be so erratic with his thoughts. He should move on and start focusing on his studies - which needed more attention considering the academic warning he’d received just days ago. 

 

Minho closed his eyes. A small smile appearing at the corner as he thought back to where it all went wrong. To everything and how he and Jisung crashed. How he’d ruined it all. Did he ruin it? He couldn’t remember anymore. 

 

════════════════════════

 

September was when they met. It was actually Jisungs birthday. He’d just turned 19. Minho was working part-time at the small diner off campus, somewhere he never thought he’d meet anyone worth his time. Students didn’t come to the diner often. The food was shit and so was the customer service. Seriously if Minho didn’t need the money he wouldn’t be cleaning rat shit off the ground. The place should’ve been shut down. As Minho finished and reported the rodent problem to his less than interested manager he went back out to the front counter, a small group of boys laughing in the creaky little stools. Minho wasn’t good with customer service at all. Which was the only reason he liked this job. People rarely came in. So when they did he’d openly sigh and grab his notepad in annoyance, stepping in front of the trio, ready to jot down whatever they threw at him. That’s how it started. One look at the blonde haired male and his heart was in shambles. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He was so beautiful. And when those dark big eyes glanced up to him he couldn’t help but feel heat in his cheeks. 

 

“Hi.” The boy started, looking at Minho as if he’d felt the same thing at that very moment. 

 

════════════════════════

 

Then it all went away. And now he was wincing at the slight tap to his forehead. Minho shook his head as if he’d been snapped from the deepest trance, glancing up to a tall and annoyed Hwang Hyunjin. 

 

“Minho wake the fuck up, you promised you’d come with me tonight!” The other male huffed, adjusting the leather jacket that hung too well over his shoulders, “please don’t make me go alone. If someone drugs me I swear to god.” 

 

Minho sigh, rubbing his eyes as if he’d been sleeping or something, “My bad. Let me get my shoes. I was just resting.” A soft laugh left his lips as Hyunjin shot him an aggravated glare. Hyunjin was too cute to be intimidating though. He always had been. He couldn’t scare Minho no matter how much he tried.

 

“I’m sorry I’m just..” the taller paused before plopping himself down at minhos side, “last time was scary. I’m just on edge.” 

 

Minho wouldn’t have ever taken Hyunjins words wrong. They had been best friends for years. Hwang Hyunjin was interesting. They’d met the same day Minho net jisung. Obviously hyunjin and he kept close. It was awkward at first. He hated stealing one of jisungs friends but he and hyunjin clicked in a way hyunjin and jisung never could. 

 

“Hey you guys coming? It’s already 1. If Woojin catches us sneaking out of here we’re fucked,” another voice said, lower and more stern. This voice did scare Minho. 

 

“I’m trying Binnie. Minho fell asleep on us.” Hyunjin snorted, poking at the older boys cheek with one of his rich little giggles. This was enough to make Minho crack his stupid smile. 

 

‘Binnie’ shook his head with a slight laugh back, peering out at the dorm hall once more. Seo Changbin was special. Yeah he was scary but Minho found it charming. Minho found a lot about Changbin charming. He’d known Changbin longer than any of the others. They went to high school together, mostly spending their time in detention. Changbin was a mystery though. He liked to keep to himself. And he liked to make sure nobody found out too much about him. He hated when people knew too much. That’s why he and Minho worked for so long. Minho never pried. Maybe that’s why jisung and he didn’t work?

 

“Lee get it together.” Changbin snickered, clapping onto the others face as he’d clearly went off again. Too many stray thoughts. 

 

Minho smacked his hands back with an innocent hiss as he finished typing his shoe, “I’m coming. I’m coming.” 

 

After getting off of the bed the other two had already left into the hall, Minho taking a moment to look at himself in the mirror. Ew. He gave himself a scrunched up pour, poking at his now puffy face from his dozing off. 

 

“Minho you’re a goddess. Come the fuck on!” Hyunjin whined, Changbins piercing laugh causing him to rush out after them. 

 

It had been awhile since he partied. He’d never been a fan of college parties. He only started going because of jisung. And he only continued because of hyunjin. He was like Hyunjins bodyguard now. One incident months ago had scarred the younger boy from going without Minho. All Minho remembers is a frantic Changbin calling to get ahold of him, screaming for him to come to the party and help him find a very drunk hyunjin. Luckily they got to him before the senior girl with her lips on his throat and hands up his shirt could. Minho remembers how violent he’d been, throwing the girl like a pompom into the crowded hall. He can’t remember what he said to the girl but it was enough to scar her for life. He hadn’t seen her since. Good. 

 

Now here he was with a solo cup in his hand, dancing along to the shitty tune blasting through the speakers. Hyunjin and Changbin close and laughing with two more of their group, Kim Seungmin and Lee Felix. Seungmin was another one of Jisungs friends. One of the boys he’d bet at the diner back then. Seungmin was also tall. What was it with jisung and befriending giants? Seungmin was a really cool guy though. He and Jisung were best friends. He was pretty strict but also had a child like charm. It was odd. One moment he’d act like a child in a candy store the next he’d be calling you out on your bullshit. He did that a lot with Minho. While everyone else brushed minhos daydreaming aside, seungmin would always question it. Invasive but he cared. Felix was child like too. But there was nothing intimidating or stern about the ginger at all. He was full of pure heart and energy. He was one of Seungmin’s friends but everyone kind of came together and got really close. 

 

There were nine of them in total. Kim Woojin, the eldest, and who was like their dad, so him finding out they were at a party would only be a mess considering he was the dorms RA. Minho was sure Woojin would be at his dorm with his arms crossed in disappointment once he went back. He usually was. Chan was another member of their little group, he came from Minho and Changbins side. Chan and Minho were both majoring in music, though Minho changed majors five or six times before settling on performing arts. Chan was a really talented guy. He was Australian which was great because Minho needed all the help with English he could get and Felix was too busy studying Korean to help him. He really liked Chan. He was protective like Woojin but he wasn’t a RA so he didn’t need to scold them for partying. He didn’t care what they did as long as they were safe. Chan hadn’t made an appearance though. He was probably studying or producing. He really liked doing that. Jeongin was their youngest. And he was definitely not at the party. He was Hyunjins little brother by marriage. That didn’t stop hyunjin from being protective and after his own incident he would never let his brother party with them. No way. Yang Jeongin was a really good kid though. He was snarky like seungmin but he had a smile that made it too hard to scold him. Minho wasn’t close with him but he liked Jeongin enough. Of course there was Changbin, Hyunjin and Minho too. 

 

 

Then there was Jisung. Though since the break up Minho and Jisung hadn’t spent too much time together. It wasn’t messy. At least that’s what Minho thought. They split two months ago and they still spoke to each other a little. Jisung would still wave in the halls when they passed, they all still ate at the café together. It was…almost the same? But there was a weird emptiness since they split. Minho couldn’t pinpoint where it derived. He wouldn’t dare ask Jisung. He didn’t want to make things anymore awkward between them than they already were. 

 

He was surprised he hadn’t seen jisung yet actually, after a while he finally questioned it, “Jinnie where’s Jisung?” He called over the music to the dancing Hyunjin, who was dancing way too hard to the rhythm. 

 

After being nudged in the rib by changbin the taller boy gave his attention to Minho nearly hollering over the music, “with Chan.” He said simply before turning back, eyes closed as he moved to the beat again. 

 

It wasn’t weird. But something in Minhos chest felt weird. Chan and Jisung were friends too so it wasn’t weird at all. Maybe they were just producing together. Yeah. Producing. Duh. Jisung was a music major too, idiot. Minho was getting lost again he was getting lost in his stupid voice thoughts again. 

 

════════════════════════

 

“Hi can we get your cloud 9 special?” One of the boys said suddenly, Minho shaking his head as he pulled his eyes off of the blonde sat in the middle of the other two. 

 

“Sure…” Minho said back. His voice caused the blonde boy to smile, his lips forming a slight heart. It made minhos heart soar. But he quickly regained composure, the other boy with the little mole under his eye watching him closely, “ah…drinks?”

 

“You’re cute.” The boy with the mole spoke, elbow on the table as he rest his chin into his palm. Oh my god. Minho knew his face was three times darker than it had been when he first came over. 

 

“Jinnie!” The blonde laughed again, smacking the other playfully before turning his gaze again to Minho. Oh god. “Could we just get three colas? Thank you.” His voice was so soothing. 

 

It took Minho a moment staring at the three before nodding awkwardly, writing their order down like it wasn’t ingrained into his mind. He gave a gentle breath, bringing his gaze back to the three before telling them their order would be ready soon. As he walked towards the back he could hear the blonde boy smack who he assumed was the boy with the mole, telling him that he’s embarrassing or something. Honestly Minho just wanted to run away. Why did they compliment him? He could have gone his whole life without being told by a freaking model that he was cute. It was all so much. 

 

“Ah…Lee Minho get it together.” He told himself, hands firmly pressed into his own cheeks as he gave a soft moan, keeping himself out of sight of the three boys now. This was so embarrassing. There was no way they hadn’t seen his reddened face. There’s no way. Hopefully they’d eat fast and never come back. 

 

They didn’t. They talked for hours, laughed for hours, even after finishing their meal and paying they were still chatting away. Minho kept himself far behind the counter. Luckily there weren’t any other customers so he could hide. 

 

Minho checked his watch before peering around the divider, the blonde boy laughing again. There was something so beautiful about that smile. He wanted to see it forever. No. Minho stop. He shook his head again, eyes widening with fear as those dark eyes fixated back at him. He caught him. He’d caught Minho watching. Shit. Why was he so awkward? Minho bit his lip, waiting for the boys gaze to pull away. It didn’t, the blonde just waved back causing his two friends to glance to Minho as well. The boy with the mole smirked in his direction whilst the other raised a brow as if he didn’t see the tension. Cute. If only they were all as naïve as the redheaded one. It would have brought Minho peace. 

 

“Hey. Instead of staring a hole into my friend why don’t you just take him to dinner tonight. It /is/ his birthday.” The boy with the mole chimes in, causing the blondes face to hide into the sleeve of his oversized tan sweater, obviously flustered. Minho looked around a moment before cursing again, making his way back to the trio. This. Was. So. Fucking. Awkward. 

 

“I wasn’t staring I just - we don’t get customers often so I was waiting for you guys to leave.” He gasped out, the blonde raising his head as Minho finished to laugh again, hand digging into the blonde mess of hair at his head. 

 

“I’m sorry about him,” the blonde started, his face a slight pink, “um…I wouldn’t mind though. If you were watching me that is - if not then like I get it !” Oh my god he was awkward too. But he was cute whereas Minho was a fumbling wreck. 

 

“Is that a yes?!” The other boy then chimed, his mouth forming an ‘o’ as he released a little gasp.

 

“Ah…I.” How was he supposed to answer. He just met this guy and they were proposing dinner?! And it was this boys birthday. goddamnit. “I-I’d be glad to.” He blurted. 

 

He mustn’t have realized what he’d did because the mole boy gave the shocked boy a high-five as the blonde shyly but at his lip, holding out his shaky hand. Minho was whipped. Dammit. 

 

“I’m Jisung by the way.” He spoke, Minho gulping a moment before taking the hand, offering his slight smile back.

 

“Minho.”

 

════════════════════════

 

Blaring music. Minhos heart felt sore. He didn’t know why. He shouldn’t feel this way. He shouldn’t feel so hurt. He had no right or reason. He’s the one that broke up with Sung. He did this. Jisung was allowed to hang out with Chan. It didn’t matter that Chan had a crush on jisung. It didn’t matter that Chan had asked Minho about dating Jisung days ago. Minho said he didn’t mind if jisung liked Chan too but it didn’t stop that feeling. It didn’t stop that dark feeling that was burning inside. What the fuck. He shouldn’t feel this way. 

 

“Hey you okay?” A thick Australian accent inquired causing Minho to turn and see Felix, face flush and freckles on full display, “you look nauseous do you need to sit down?” He asked, worry all over his face. 

 

Minho paused before choking out, “Mmh fine. I’m fine. I just drank too fast. I’m gonna sit.” He said back before Felix tripped his arm tight, “Felix?”

 

“Nobody put anything in there right?” Oh Felix. He was so precious. He was thankful everyone took what happened to hyunjin seriously. 

 

Minho smiled, patting Felix's hand, “no no. I'm okay. Thanks for worrying about me. I'm just gonna sit though. Wanna come?” He offered, Felix very defensively looping their arms and giving a nod. 

 

“Wanna talk about it Min? I know it’s more than you drinking. You’ve barely taken a sip since we got here.” Felix asked as they sat on one of the many long couches, people crowding the room but being polite enough to give them some space to breathe. 

 

“It’s nothing. I’m just over thinking things.” Minho said back honestly. That was the truth anyways. 

 

“If it’s about Jisung I’m always here for you. I’ve heard Jisungs spill but you…you never talk about it. I know it’s bothering you. We all know.” Felix was so so so sweet. But Minho didn’t want to talk. He didn’t know what he was thinking. He didn’t know what he was saying. 

 

“I’m fine, Felix. Really really.” He smiled, Felix offering a sigh before downing the rest of his cup. 

 

“Whatever min. Remember I’ll be here when you’re ready. Now get up and dance with me!” The Aussie laughed, nose crinkling playfully as he tugged Minho off the couch. 

 

He was glad Felix wasn’t going to intrude anymore. He didn’t want to discuss. He didn’t want to do this tonight. He just wanted these thoughts to go away. 

 

════════════════════════


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho brings home a very drunk and argumentative jisung. He’s not sure what he did but whatever it was strained their relationship even more. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Also minsung memories of their first date and breakup scene in the same chapter. You’re welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s part two. The breakup scene is in this one along with more angst. I’ve written four parts and it’s literally nothing but angst.

══════════════════════

       There was a loud buzzing. It was too much. It was way too much and Minho couldn’t take it. What time was it? Was he even back home? He was so stupid. 

       As Minho sat himself up from what appeared to be the same couch he and Felix had sat on last night he could feel an instant rush of regret. His hands shot up to either side of his head, fingers tangling through his messy dark waves. Jesus his head was on fire. He didn’t really know why. He remembered nothing. 

═════════════════════

    “Oh you actually came?” Jisung smiled, a large white jacket covering that oversized sweater he’d worn at the diner earlier. 

      Minho bit his bottom lip before raking his fingers through his hair, free hand shoved into his pocket. “Yeah I uh. I didn’t want to disappoint the birthday boy.” 

     Jisungs face lit up. It was so cute. He was so cute. Minho couldn’t bare it. 

     This had to have been the most awkward twenty minutes of Minhos life. They were seated at this fancy ass restaurant that Jisungs friend, who Minho now knew as hyunjin, suggested.  That same friend also said he would pay for everything and gave Minho the money to cover it. He honestly had no clue why they would trust a stranger with so much cash. But when Hyunjin has left with Jisung and their other friend;Seungmin, he learned that they’d passed the diner every day since school had started. And every day Jisung would wait by the large glass windows and watch the pretty boy behind the counter.

      “So…Minho. I’m sorry my friends dragged you out like this. You’re probably really uncomfortable…” something in the blondes voice was oh so apologetic. Though he didn’t have reason to. Minho didn’t mind coming. 

     “N-no,” Minho stuttered, slipping his menu aside, “it’s okay. This is nice and…I don’t mind being here. I don’t get out much.” He said, a breathy laugh leaving his lips and causing the boy in front of him to smile again. Fuck that smile was so cute. He was so so so cute. 

    “Well I’m glad my annoying friends dragged you out then.” Jisung replied, holding his glass to Minho for a quick little tap. 

     The night went so smoothly after that. They talked a lot, which was surprising considering they’d just met. Minho found out that Jisung was a whole two years younger than him. And he had just turned nineteen that day. He also learned that he was a music major, just like his friend Chan! The most interesting discovery was that they had shared a class, something Minho would have sworn he’d remembered. 

    “The lecture hall was huge. There’s no way you would’ve seen me. Also my hair was black so I blended in. I noticed you though…” the blonde chimed, now playing with the noodles at his plate. 

    “Oh?,” Minho smirked, leaning on the table with his arms crossed, “you noticed me?” After talking to jisung for a while and drinking three glasses of wine he felt invincible. He felt like he could say anything to the boy now. 

    An hour went by and they finished their meal, paying and thanking their waiter before leaving. It had started to rain and neither of their brains told them to bring umbrellas. 

   “Tsk…I’m blaming hyunjin for this one.” Jisung laughed, pulling his hood over his head to protect him from the pouring rain. 

    Minho smiles again, pulling up the hood of his own coat before confidently slipping his hand to the others. He wasn’t sure why he did it. They just met. It was raining. He didn’t even know Jisungs full name. This was silly. But for some reason the universe was on his side. As minhos fingers laced into Jisungs the youngest followed, their hands tightening together. It felt nice. Minho wasn’t used to this attention. He didn’t think there was any chance jisung would accept the gesture. He didn’t fully understand why he’d even be so bold as to grab the others hand. 

    “Thanks for coming with me. You didn’t have to and…” Jisung paused, tucking blonde behind his ear before looking back to Minho, “I really want to see you again. If you want to…” 

    Jisung sounded so unsure. Though they were here outside the restaurant with their hands laced, he was so unsure. It was so precious. They’d just met and something was screaming at Minho to never let this boy go. 

     “How about a movie next time?” He spoke, voice slightly slurred from his weak tolerance, though he was fully aware of what he was doing. His voice must’ve sounded like honey because Jisung smiled so wide, face giving off that slight pink shade that made Minho want to scream. 

    “That sounds amazing.” 

═════════════════════════

      “It was amazing…” Minho whispered, rubbing his eyes now as he sat himself up properly. It must have been noon. He needed to get up and out of whatever frat they crashed at. Luckily tons of people were sprawled around, so it wasn’t like he was alone in the “walk-of-shame”. 

      As Minho got up to stretch he reached for his phone, noticing dozens of missed calls and texts. He should have been more concerned considering where he was, but he was positive he’d passed out early in the morning and told the others he’d be okay. Thankfully everyone else made it home okay. Though Changbin was frantic Minho had left. Left? 

    Minho rubbed his temples again before opening the messages, scrolling to see that he did go home last night. And Woojin did yell at them. And somehow he ended up leaving the dorm again to go to the party ? Why would he come back? He had no - oh. 

Jisung: hey Minho

Jisung: I made a mistake I think

Jisung: I’m sorry I’m messaging you but I made a mistake I really need you to come to Seungguks party 

Jisung: I don’t know who else to message everyone’s asleep and idk what to do

 

      Minhos brain was fully focused now. All of a sudden he could see again. He could focus on every letter. Jisung? Where was jisung? Minho started to type, realizing he’d never replied to Sung but somehow ended up passed out on the couch at the very party jisung had asked him to come to. 

 

Minho: sung im here are you okay! what happened sung? I don’t remember anything but I’m here are you still here ? Did you get home ?????

       He didn’t expect a reply. But what he did expect was a faint ding of a cellphone. At least then he’d know jisung was here. Though he wasn’t sure that’d make him feel safer about whatever jisung needed him for. 

 

     But there it was. Ding. 

 

    Minho shot up and went towards the sound, head starting to throb uncomfortably as he made his way to the sound. Why was it coming from the closet? Minho gulped before opening, the closet mostly empty except for the groggy brunette who sat against the wall, phone in his hands and pale pink sweater loose at his neck. Minho wasn’t sure if he should be scared or relieved. So he ducked down, looking jisung over before shaking his arm, causing the younger to groan in reply. 

    “Sungie? It’s Minho.” He started, taking a seat in the small closet besides jisung, resting his head at his knees as he brushed strands of brown from the others forehead. He was drunk. He could smell it all over jisung. Not to mention there was an empty bottle of gin besides him. 

 

    Jisung didn’t really get drunk. He drank, sure. But he never got drunk. He wasn’t the type to go out and overdo things. He liked control. So after another minute of Minho shaking the boy he finally woke, rubbing at his eyes and giving Minho a pout. Why did he break up with him?

 

    “Hey…you okay?” Minho started as Jisung curled against the wall now, groaning again with more irritation, “you texted me last night and…I don’t know what happened but I’m here. Are you hurt or?” He stopped when the younger shushed him. 

    “Shut up…lee ….lee Minho. Shut up.” His voice was hoarse. Had he cried? What the hell happened last night? Minho was growing more and more nervous. 

    “Sung,” he started, fingers brushing into the others hair, “what happened?”

    It took Jisung a moment but he finally pulled himself off the wall and looked at Minho more clearly, “I’m a shitty person. I’m not good at all.” He was slurring every word. He needed to get him out of here. 

   “You’re not. I’m gonna lift you up okay?” Minho started, not wanting to be here any longer before pulling jisung up by the arm, looping it around his neck so he could drag him out of the house. 

    After a very long and staggered walk Minho had made it back to their dorms, unlocking his door to a frantic and pissed off Changbin. 

    “Where the fuck were you?! And what the fuck is Jisung doing here! Doesn’t he have a class?” Changbin really was frantic. But this was normal. Changbin had always been overprotective. Though Minho would never know why. 

    “I can’t remember. Stop yelling.” Minho cursed, pulling jisung inside and laying the boy on his bed where he instantly curled into the pink blanket Minho swore he would give him one day. 

    “I’ve called. Hyunjins called. Nobody knew where you were? Felix was so scared he almost called the police. The only reason he didn’t is because we trust that you weren’t being stupid. Which was clearly a mistake considering you smell like straight vodka.” Changbin was pissed. But Minho really wasn’t in the mood what he wanted to know was if jisung was okay obviously something happened last night. He just didn’t know what. 

   “I’m sorry.” Minho breathes out, showing changbin the messages from jisung as his excuse. “I’m not sure what happened but I was fine. Jisung was fine. We were both at the frat house this morning.” He whispered, holding his very sore head. 

    Changbin didn’t press any further once he saw how uncomfortable jisungs messages were, offering a glare and a sigh before storming out. Presumably to class. 

 

════════════════════════

       “How long till?!” The blonde shouted ecstatically, holding Minhos arm tightly in his as he watched sky closely. 

      Minho laughed, pressing a gentle peck to the excited boys hair as he looked back at his phone, “just a few more minutes sungie.”

   All of a sudden the sky lit up, fireworks and screams of joy filling the air. But all Minho could focus on was the pair of lips that had landed securely on his own, Jisungs hand cupping the side of his face. There was so much excitement around New Years kisses. This was minhos first. He was so glad he got to share it with someone who he loved so dearly. 

    It had been a few months since the two of them started dating. It was great. They spent the majority of their time at the diner or at Jisungs dorm considering Changbin wasn’t one for company. But through that he met Jeongin, Woojin, and Felix. He loved all the new company. Hyunjin and Seungmin were always attached to Minho too and soon Hyunjin and Minho became almost as close as Changbin and he were. Everything was so perfect. 

     Tonight was perfect.

   “Hey Minho,” jisung started, pulling away shyly to look at Minho with those deep brown eyes, “I’m so glad I met you.”

   Minhos heart skipped a beat as he hugged the younger tight, swaying them playfully as the fireworks continued, peppering little kisses into his hair, “I’m glad I met you too sungie.”

 

═════════════════════════

    Minho was really starting to hate reality. As jisung finally stirred awake he instantly regretted bringing him to his dorm. Because he broke out into sobs. Sobs that tugged at Minhos heart. Sobs that he didn’t think he could handle. 

    Minho very cautiously brushed his fingers into the crying boys soft brown hair, humming softly. He knew it always calmed him down when he was having panic attacks. Though he wasn’t sure what to do in this situation. But it did seem to calm the other down a bit. At least for a moment.

 

   “Minho…I’m so sorry.” Jisung whispered, his voice cracked and was full of hiccups. 

   “Sorry for what?” Minho whispered back soothingly, sighing as jisung shivered onto his touches, “you didn’t do anything…”

    He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what Jisung was apologizing for. He didn’t want to know what had made jisung feel so down. He didn’t want to get feelings again. He was already struggling so hard to keep their happy memories out of his head. And he didn’t know why. He didn’t get why he didn’t want to be with jisung. What did jisung do? Why would jisung ever need to apologize to Minho?

  “I’m sorry I…” his voice cut off and he started to gasp softly, bringing his own fingers into his hair, gripping onto Minhos hand for some sort of comfort, “I’m sorry it didn’t work…” He finally murmured, Minho immediately wanting him to go back to sleep, “I’m sorry I wasn’t…” 

    Minho cut him off, shushing and hugging the other close, the sobs only growing. It was probably because jisung was drunk. He didn’t know for sure. He hoped it was. He wanted jisung to stop talking. He wanted to tell jisung he didn’t do anything wrong. He hadn’t done anything wrong.   
          
    But jisung wasn’t having it, he pulled away from Minho, rubbing at his tear stained face before looking at Minho. God. Why. He had the saddest pout, his cheeks flush and red. It was too much. Minho didn’t know why he broke up with him. 

    “What did I do…what did I do wrong?” He never wanted to hear those words. He never wanted jisung to say those words to him.

   When they broke up jisung didn’t ask. He nervously said okay. He very nervously said that he understood. Minho told him it was just too much too fast. Jisung never fought it. Jisung was too innocent and soft to fight it. He just let it happen. And now jisung was crying in his bad, wondering why Minho broke his heart. And Minho didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know. 

   “I…I don’t remember doing anything wrong. I…” jisung stopped and lay back down, eyes fluttering shut as he grasped Minhos hand. Minho let him. But he could feel his heart drop. Did he even have a heart ? Why did he do this. 

    After a few hours Minho had slinked away from Jisung, sitting at his desk with his face in his hands. Changbin would be back soon and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want changbin coming in with jisung still here. But he didn’t want to wake jisung either. God knows what he remembers from last night. Hopefully nothing. 

       Another hour. Minho would be lying if he said he didn’t break out into tears when jisung slept. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a mess himself right now. After days of having jisung in his mind. After days of regret. He still didn’t know why he hurt him. He didn’t know why he decided that he didn’t want to date him anymore. What was wrong with him. How could anyone hurt jisung? Minho sigh heavily before wiping away what was left of his tears before looking back towards the bed, the brunette wrapped in that stupid pink blanket. He looked peaceful now. He’d probably wake soon. 

      “What happened?” Changbin whispered , causing Minho to jump in surprise before turning to face his friend, “Jesus Minho…” 

   Minho must have looked awful. If changbin noticed it must have been bad. 

   “I don’t know…I had texts from him yesterday and…I don’t know what happened. I guess I went over. He was in a closet. He’d downed a whole bottle of gin. I could smell it all over him.” Minho spoke, voice hoarse from crying. Changbin noticed and sat himself on their desk, looking over to the boy huddled on Minhos bed. 

   “I’m sorry I yelled at you.  We were so fucking worried. I talked to them though. I told them it was a jisung thing and they said they’d understand. Also…hyunjin said don’t read his messages. He was apparently a huge dick to you about it.” Changbin snorted, making Minho give that half smile he was famous for.  

    “I should have called someone. I wasn’t thinking.” Minho whispered, glancing back to jisung before rubbing his temples again, “he’s so broken…why didn’t he tell me? Binnie he thinks that our break up was his fault…” he sigh, Chabgbin patting Minhos shoulder. 

   “I mean…you guys never told us why you broke up. Jisung told Felix and seungmin stuff but…you guys just kinda crashed.” Changbin paused then, making sure he wasn’t causing his friend anymore stress. 

    “It’s my fault…I don’t know why I did it. I really don’t.” Minhos voice was so weak. He could barely hear himself over the fucking fan. “I loved him Binnie. Why did I hurt him?” 

    Changbin gave him a look before focusing his eyes back to the boy at his bed, “loved. What made you stop?” He asked then. 

     Minho didn’t think he had stopped. Maybe his choice of words was off. He could never stop loving jisung. Jisung was everything Minho could have ever wanted. So why the hell would he hurt him. 

    “I didn’t. I still love him Binnie. I do but…” why was he saying but. Why was his breath hitching. Why were his thoughts mud. Why couldn’t he just think. 

════════════════════════

It was September again. 

 

      “Oh.” Jisungs reply burned a hole into Minhos heart. A simple oh. Minho knew he could see tears springing to the others eyes but he tried his hardest to keep his gaze off of him. 

      “I’m sorry I just…it’s too much right now. I just think we should stay friends you know?” Minho didn’t know why he was doing this. He loved jisung didn’t he? Jisung had never once given him doubts. So why was he sitting here hurting him? 

      “It’s okay. I understand I mean.” Jisungs smile was fake. It was so fake and Minho wanted to scream. Jisung was lying. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t fine. Jisung don’t lie. Please. 

     “Are you sure? I still want to be friends. I just. I think it’s better this way?” Minho was full of shit. Why was he doing this? 

    Jisung smiled brighter, eyes twinkling. No that wasn’t a twinkle. It was glossy from the inevitable tears. Tears Minho was about to cause. After a year and some change of dating Minho was calling it quits. He didn’t think he’d ever understand why he did this. Why would he want jisung out of his life? He didn’t. He didn’t. He wanted him there. So why push him away? He didn’t know. 

   All Minho knew is that when he returned to his dorm he cried for hours. And he stopped going to classes. And Minho would miss his practices. He didn’t understand why he was doing this. 

════════════════════════

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and again I’m sorry this is so angsty. I’m not too good with fluff but some parts are cute I guess??


	3. Suffocating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi another one. I finished this in five parts but every time I reread I hate it so I’m just gonna post every day until it’s done lol

════════════════════════

Minho left his dorm a little later, leaving changbin with a passed out jisung. He couldn’t bare staying any longer. It was just too much and it was making him too nauseous. He grasped the warm coffee in his hands and let out a sigh, free hand pressed against his hair. He was so frustrated. And angry. And sad. And he didn’t know what to do about it. He was running from his thoughts again and he wasn’t sure why. All Minho could ask himself was why. Over and over. He leaned against the outside of the universities café and hummed to himself as tiny snowflakes coated his lashes. He needed clarity. Bad. 

 

Moments later he could hear the familiar voice of his friend Chan. The same Chan who Jisung had been with last night. Maybe the only person who knew what had really happened before Minho found Jisung in a fucking frat house closet. He opened his eyes, squinting a moment to capture the other males figure. Chan’s dyed silver hair was a styled mess of curls at his head, pale skin almost as white as the snow that had started to fall moment ago. If Jisung liked Chan the way Minho knew Chan liked him he could see why. Chan was a very different beauty. 

 

Of course Minho was never good at keeping his stares to himself, so Chan smiled big and bright in his direction before waltzing over, swaying himself playfully till he was inches from Minho. 

 

“Minho. What’re you doing out here? Hangover?” Chan laughed, peering at the label on the cup, “you’re not a big espresso guy, it must be bad.” Chan teased, his accent whistling in Minhos ears. 

 

Minho offered Chan the smallest smile he could, trying hard not to seem upset, “Yeah I asked for three shots and Joon thought I was mad,” he spoke referring to the barista who was always there and had by now clearly recognized Minhos order. 

 

“Ah, take it easy mate.” The Australian said back, patting Minhos shoulder before biting at his lip, “Have you seen Jisung by the way?” 

 

Thank god chan initiated a conversation on Jisung. He didn’t know how he’d bring the boy up otherwise. But his smile faltered. And he didn’t know if Chan’s words were very encouraging. He didn’t seem upset or apologetic. Whatever happened to jisung that night Chan probably had no part of. 

 

Minho pursed his lips before letting out a shaky breath, setting his cup into the windowsill, “when was the last time you saw him?” He thought he’d get as much information from Chan as he could before spilling that Jisung was very much drunk in his dorm room.

 

Chan paused before looking off to the side in thought, “we were making some tracks last night…but he left by three I think? I told him to stay the night but he insisted on heading over to that party. Said he wanted to meet up with Seungmin or something. But he never texted me back.” Chan told him, scrolling through his texts to show Minho that Jisung had left a worried Chan on read. 

 

So whatever happened wasn’t Chan’s fault. Chan didn’t do anything wrong. Why would Minho even think Chan would harm jisung? As he offered a sigh in reply he pulled out his own phone, handing it to Chan who looked a bit shocked to read the panicked messages jisung had sent. 

 

“He sent these at 3:30 in the morning…what happened? Is he okay?” Chan’s voice was a lot lower. And a lot more nervous. He obviously cared so much for jisung and Jesus why would minho think that Chan would have anything to do with hurting Jisung. 

 

“I don’t know…he’s-“ Minho paused again, cursing under his breath as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Those stupid fucking tears were trying to come out. He couldn’t let Chan see. He couldn't do that to the older man, “hes at my dorm. He’s asleep now. Or he was when I left.”

 

Chan could see through Minhos attitude. Something more had happened and Chan offered Minho another sigh before sliding the phone on the windowsill besides Minhos coffee, “is he alright, Minho?” 

 

He huffed at that and returned his gaze back to Chan, eyes glossing over, “I don’t know. He’s drunk and mad at me. I don’t know what happened.” 

 

Minho trusted Chan. He really did. Changbin, Hyunjin, and Chan were Minhos whole support system. And even though Chan had inquired about jisung he knew that he would never pursue anything if Minho told him not to. Chan was just too good of a person. All of them were. They were too good to him. 

 

Chan huffed, digits ruffling up Minhos hair before offering him a concerned but warm smile, “lets go make sure he’s okay, yeah?”

 

═════════════════════════

 

“Hey Min, you sure your moms okay with you hanging out with me for a whole week?” Hyunjin asked, stuffing his bags full of clothes he’d bought from the campus mall. 

 

Minho nodded, messing with the little action figures that Hyunjins roommate had set up all over the desk. He needed the time off. He needed the time. And he didn’t really want to go home to explain to his mom that he broke Jisungs heart. He couldn’t handle that. His parents loved jisung. so he wasnt ready to tell them yet. His mom wouldn’t mind him hanging out with hyunjin either. She would have him for Christmas next month. 

 

“Oi, your bags gonna burst.” Felix chimed, throwing one of his own shirts at the taller boy, “it’s only aweek you don’t need to pack everything.”

 

Hyunjin shot him a look back, hand rest on his hip like he was about to scold his child. “If I’m going home I’m going to make sure everyone knows that I’m doing well. Also I have to look good. And my old clothes are not gonna cut it.” Hyunjin was so sassy and it helped Minho to burst out laughing. He didn’t do that much anymore. Not since September. 

 

Somehow the trio ended up at the café, coffees in their hands as they talked about all the things they’d do on their week break. Minho was happy to hear that Hyunjin had planned everything out for the two of them, and it warmed his heart to hear that Felix had saved enough to visit home in Sydney. He enjoyed the normalcy. He also loved that the two hadn’t treated him differently from last month. Last month had been so hectic for him. 

 

“Oh-Minho,” Felix started with a worried chuckle, “everyone’s gonna come by here soon and hang before we leave. Are you okay with that?” He must have invited jisung. That was normal. It wasn’t odd. Nothing had visibly changed in the group since they broke up. 

 

“Felix that’s fine. You don’t have to ask my permission to see our friends.” He emphasized on the /our/. He knew Felix could see that what happened had taken a toll on Minho, but he didn’t want to seem like the victim. He’s the one that hurt jisung. 

 

After more banter back and forth about how they’d spend their week the door swung open to the café, the larger half of the group finally showing up. They were obnoxious and loud like always, Chan rushing over to hug Felix like he’d not seen him in years, Changbin punching Hyunjins arm only to get shoved playfully back, and seungmin and Woojin discussing something about philosophy. But of course Minho only fixated on one person. The now brunette jisung who had his hands in his big white coat, a beanie secure at his head. It must have been recent. It was a cute color on him. And he was sniffling. He was probably sick. Jisungs immune system had always been garbage. 

 

“Hey.” Minho smiled, face twisted in discomfort. But jisung just beamed back that adorable smile, removing his scarf from his neck and settling down besides Felix and Chan. He worried about his so so much. 

 

“Ah we only have a few hours left!” Hyunjin gasped, looking at his phones clock before receiving snickers from Woojin and Felix. 

 

“It’s a week. It’s not like you’ll miss us that bad.” Seungmin added, cracking his knuckles as Woojin nudged him to go order drinks, “be right back fam.” He laughed, following after the older boy. 

 

“Yeah but like I’m not really over what happened Saturday. You know? I want you guys to stay safe.” Hyunjin pouted, referring to the event with the senior girl wrapped around him. 

 

“Nah no parties for us. We all promised we weren’t going to do that shit unless we brought Minho to fight off any problems.” Chan laughed, Woojin returning and offering Chan a slight glare, “I mean we don’t party. That’s absurd.”

 

“Mhm.” Woojin snorted, handing Chan a frozen drink like it wasn’t in the negatives outside, “hyunjin everyone will be fine. You’ll be fine too.” 

 

Hyunjin smiled at that, leaning his head to Minhos shoulder comfortably, “still. Promise me you guys will take care.” Hyunjin was so cute. 

 

After hours of laughter and arguing about the latest episode of a tv show Minho had never watched they got up to leave, chairs screeching against the floor in unison. He’d miss them but he was excited to hang out with Hyunjin. It’d be nice.

 

“Hey Aussie!” Hyunjin started, voice higher when he spoke English for some reason, “hug?” He giggled before tugging Felix into a bear hug, cradling the ginger like he was his child, “have a good flight okay?” Minho smiled. He would never be able to grasp how lovely his friends were. Genuine. 

 

“Minho,” He heard from the side, his smile again vanishing as he turned to the brunette in the big white coat, “enjoy your week…I’ll see you next Monday?” It hurt. It hurt so bad and he could never show it. Jisungs voice was so low yet soft. Even when Minho knew he was hurting he still radiated such a bright light. 

 

“You too, Sung. I’ll see you Monday.” He whispered, Hyunjin grabbing ahold of his arm as Woojin and Chan left the café, still arguing over the supposed death of their favorite character. 

 

“Bye Jisungie! You have a safe flight too okay? Tell your mom Hyunjinnie said he would love to taste her cookies once more before his ultimate demise!” Hyunjin was being dramatic, hanging on to Minho like he was his lifeline. 

 

Jisung laughed, his mood changing instantly as Hyunjin spoke. He was good at faking it. He was so good at hiding it, “I’ll bring back some for everyone. I’m gonna head off, my plane leaves tomorrow morning so I should get some sleep. Bye guys.” He waved of then, Seungmin accompanying his roommate back. 

 

It felt empty again, but he would be okay. It was just a week. A week of being away from this hellhole. A week where he could forget jisung for just a little. 

 

═════════════════════════

It was still dark in the dorm when they’d returned, and changbin was still sat at the desk watching jisung. 

 

“Hey Min, he woke up a bit ago but he’s out ah-.” Changbin smiled, noticing Chan was right behind, “again, hey Chan.” Changbin looked unsure of what to say. He knew about Chan’s liking to Jisung so the situation seemed to get even more awkward. minho could also see Changbin Giving Chan little glares. Minho would have go mention to him that Chan didn’t do anything wrong, but now wasn't the time 

 

“Hi.” Chan worded before scrunching his nose, obviously getting a whiff of the strong alcohol that had lingered since jisung had come into the room, “is that from?” He only pointed to the lump in Minhos bed before getting a nod back from Minho. 

 

“Did he say anything?” Minho asked as Chan gently pushed passed to settle at the floor besides Jisung, kneeling down and watching the other male. 

 

Changbin shook his head, hopping off the desk as he brushed hair from his forehead, “Nah. He saw me and said sorry. He seemed a lot more composed and just asked if could sleep it off more. He seemed okay honestly.”

 

That was a relief. Hopefully Jisung hadn’t remembered anything from the night. Hopefully he had slept it all off and would just assume Minho took him home to rest since it was so late. 

 

“Jisungie?” Chan whispered, brushing strands off the brunettes forehead, “It’s channie. You really worried me yesterday.” Chan was a good one. If Jisung and him ended up together it would be okay, Minho thought. Maybe. 

 

Jisung stirred, nuzzling himself into Chan’s touch. Chan was good for him. He really was. Chan offered up a laugh before resting his chin on the bed, ignoring the thick alcohol smell on Jisungs breath. Jisung eventually opened those big brown eyes, bringing up one of his hands to rub at his sleep filled eyes, pulling himself up against the pillows. 

 

“This isn’t my room…” he mumbled, stretching himself as Chan raised back up to his feet. Jisung seemed calm until his gaze met Minhos. His eyes grew wide and he looked terrified. Shit. He remembered then?

 

“Min brought you back, said you were piss drunk at that party.” Chan explained, patting the youngers hair. 

 

Jisungs lip quivered a moment before he shook his head, offering Chan a weak laugh as he spoke again, “Yeah. I remember. I went out and kept drinking with uh…” he paused, biting at his lip now before sliding his legs off the side of Minhos bed, “I don’t know. Some guys from our writing course. And I guess I drank too much and crawled into the closet. Ugh my head…” he complained then, hand rubbing at his temple as the other kept his body steady. 

 

Changbin shot Minho a worried look before heading over to flick on their light, a hiss coming from Jisung who had now pulled covers over his head. 

 

“Binnie why?!” Jisung whines dramatically, obviously concealing his shaky voice with a laugh. 

 

There was no doubt in Minhos mind that jisung remembered whatever had happened. There was no way jisung didn’t remember. That look of fear was enough to tug at Minhos heart again. He could feel his chest get heavy. He didn’t want to cry again but everything was so heavy. 

 

“Want me to take him home?” Chan asked, patting Jisungs head again over the covers. 

 

That would be best. Minho thought. Get him out of here please. He should go. He shouldn’t be here I’m losing my mind. Minhos head spun and his mouth wouldn’t move. Changbin seemed to have noticed and gave Chan a quick nod, pulling Minho into him protectively. Changbin must have seen Jisungs expression too. 

 

“Okay. I’ll return your blanket later, mate.” Chan laughed scooping up Jisung who protested quietly before tugging the other out; Jisungs arm around Chan’s shoulders as he piggy backed him out of the room. Minho did catch that last glance. Jisung looked so hurt. He looked so lost and hurt and Minho knew it was his fault. 

 

Three minutes passed. 

 

 

“Min…” changbin called, Minhos breaths uneven and clouding anything that was being said to him.

 

“Lee Minho.” Changbin spoke more clearly, hands at Minhos cheeks now, forcing Minho to stare back into the others dark eyes, “it’s okay. You’re okay. Calm down.” 

 

Changbins words did help him a bit. But Jisung knew. Jisung remembered the other night even though Minho didn’t. What did Minho do? What happened at that party? His brain doing and he could only whimper into Changbins hands before resting his face into the others black hoodie, the stupid ugly sobs escaping. He hated this. He hated it all so much and he didn’t know what to do. 

 

But then it all stopped. It all just went away again. And he was there being comforted by his best friend, a feeling of relief washing over him as Changbin sang. His voice was so soothing. It was melodic and mesmerizing. It had brought him back out of whatever hole he’d dig himself in. And he enjoyed it. It was temporary of course, but he liked it. His mind wasn’t hazy anymore. 

 

“Bin…thank you.” Minho managed to whisper out, closing his eyes again. 

 

 

═════════════════════════

 

“Earth to Minho!” A small yet deep voice called out, causing Minho to blink in surprise, “where do you go, Hyung?” The dark-haired boy laughed, braces on full display. Ah. Jeongin. 

 

Minho snorted playfully before smacking the younger boys shoulder, pulling himself upright. It had been three days since he’d arrived at Hyunjins. It was nice. They had a huge house and the cutest family dog, which Hyunjin loved more than anything else. 

 

“Kkami said for you to stop daydreaming and come eat dinner.” Jeongin snapped, running back out towards the dining room where a yipping bark was booming proudly. 

 

Minho rubbed at his eyes and stopped to look at himself I’m Hyunjins mirror. Ew. Always an ew. Minhos face scrunched like it always did at his appearance before adjusting his messy hair and going out to the dining room where the family was. 

 

He’d always been welcome by Hyunjins family. They met him a few times and fell in love with Minho who stayed to take care of Hyunjin when he caught the flu. His father always told Minho that he was welcome whenever and that he appreciated his care for their son. His parents worked a lot. So Minho knew that they were genuine about their words to him. 

 

After dinner he and Hyunjin had escaped back to Hyunjins rather large room, Kkami snuggled up in Hyunjins arms as he browsed through music on his phone. They’d finished their over-break work and had listened to songs Hyunjin found on SoundCloud. They were all nice enough. 

 

“Hey Min. What happened with you and Jisung?” He asked suddenly. Why would he bring him up. The last three days had been so calm. And now he brings up the one thing Minho tried desperately to forget. But hyunjin was always blunt. And he wasn’t going to back down. 

 

“It’s complicated,” Minho started, earning a glare from Hyunjin, “it was good. And then it wasn’t.” 

 

Hyunjin didn’t buy it, and he tossed his phone aside to offer Minho a look of disbelief, “did you guys fight or something? You guys never fought. Did one of you cheat?” Minho automatically gave hyunjin a growl in reply to that one. Though he wasn’t perfect he would never cheat on Sung, “okay so then what? You guys were so cute. And Jisungs still hella whipped for you.” 

 

Of course he was. Jisung would probably never get over Minho. And that part stung. 

 

“I don’t know.” Minho replied then, hyunjin letting Kkami down so he could get in Minhos face, anger striking his usually soft features. 

 

“What do you mean you don’t know?!” Hyunjin was mad. He’d obviously been waiting for this moment for a long time. And it probably felt like Minho was dodging him hard. 

 

“I’m serious. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know why I broke it off. I just felt like it.” He sounded like such an asshole. And hyunjin clearly thought the same. 

 

“You broke one of my best friends hearts because you felt like it?” He started, Minho wincing. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know anything about Jisungs feelings. He didn’t need it. “You really hurt him. He won’t tell me much but I can see it when he looks at you. You messed with his head and you’re telling me that you did this because you fucking wanted to?” Hyunjins voice was raised, but still low enough so that his brother or parents wouldn’t come in. 

 

Minho shuddered then, that empty feeling coming back. Why did hyunjin have to bring it up. “Jinnie…” he started, his hands now in his hair with frustration, “I don’t know why I did it. I just felt like I had to.” His voice was getting shaky and he looked up briefly to see Hyunjins anger had changed to worry. “Jinnie I love him so much and I can’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do that to him.”

 

“What, love him?” Hyunjins voice was softer again, and Minho didn’t want to do this anymore. 

 

“He deserves better. He deserves better.” Minho repeated the statement over and over before feeling warm arms wrap around him, holding him tightly. Minhos heart was sore and his thoughts were muddy again. He didn’t want to have a breakdown here. Not with hyunjin. Hyunjin didn’t deserve that. 

 

“Min Min….” Hyunjin sigh, brushing fingers through Minhos hair as he rocked them gently, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I mentioned him. I didn’t mean to hurt you…it’s just jisung is so sad and you seemed fine and it pissed me off…I’m sorry.” Minho could barely hear him. His own thoughts are screaming things at him. Screaming about jisung and how he was a monster. He wanted to escape these dark thoughts but he didn’t know how. Nothing could get them to stop. Nothing. 

 

════════════════════════

 

But they did stop. Everything was quiet. Minho pulled himself up from Changbins bed, glancing over to his own which had new sheets placed on them. That was nice of changbin to do. Minho felt his lips tug at the corners into a slight smile and he glanced around the empty room. Changbin must have gone to his late class. Which meant Minho had been asleep all day. 

 

He felt a lot better now that he had showered and changed out of clothes from the hectic night out. He felt more at ease once he slid back down on his own bed, the smell of alcohol gone from the room and replaced with Changbins little machines minty aroma. It helped clear up his sinuses too, he thought. And the fan was off too. Changbin was a good roommate. A good best friend. 

 

Minho grabbed his phone from the nightstand and deleted all the calls he’d gotten before reading through some text messages from Chan assuring that Jisung was okay and from Felix that he had written the history notes for Minho again. Luckily there weren’t any from Jisung. It was a relief. There was one from Hyunjin asking to meet at the mall for shopping. Obviously he’d have to explain last night to the other boy. But now he was just glad his thoughts had cleared some. Happy for the peace. 

 

Hours later and Changbin had returned, tossing his bag down and yawning loudly, waving to a now awake Minho. 

 

“I changed your sheets too, thanks bin.” Minho smiled back, watching changbin gasp in reply before throwing himself into his own bed, groaning into his pillow, “bad day?”

 

“Long class. Jesus. Park can talk a hole into your fucking skull. Same shit every day. I fell asleep four times Minho. Four!” He laughed, arms looped about his pillow now. 

 

“Hmm. I’m sure Woojin Hyung kept you up. Why again did you decide to take English with him!” Minho laughed, phone back on the night stand as he tossed a pillow at Changbin. 

 

 

“Because I don’t love myself. Jesus, Woojin would not let me leave early either. He’s such a dad!” Changbin complained, throwing the pillow back at Minho with little force, “shit…enough about me. You good?” He asked, obviously still worried about Minhos episode earlier. 

 

“I’m okay now. I just needed to sleep off the rest of my bullshit.” He said. It was true. He felt way better. The sleep must have done something. 

 

Changbin smiled in reply before turning over and wrapping his blanket around himself. Minho figured he’d take hyunjin up on the mall offer once changbin began to snore. 

 

 

 

“Min! Have you been dead all day or what?” Hyunjin snickered, looking Minho over to see the damage, “hmm, you must’ve slept off your bad decisions last night. Binnie told us what happened. Sort of. Just mentioned it was about jisung. He also told me if I tried to pry more out of you he’d kill me so,” hyunjin paused, tugging Minho by his arm, “I’m going to ignore that you were out late alone and enjoy the rest of our night!” Minho grinned at this, arm in arm with the taller boy as he was dragged about the mall. 

 

After a few hours Hyunjin had about four bags from different stores in his hands, setting them down with a huff as Minho and he sat at the table of the universities cafeteria that they loved so much. 

 

“You went overboard again.” Minho snorted, sipping his cola as the other flicker fry at his nose, “wanna call the others here?” 

 

“Everyone?” Hyunjin asked, making sure Minho was up to seeing everyone. It’d been a long time since Minho had smiled. He didn’t want that to disappear. 

 

“It’s fine. I don’t mind…although jisung probably won’t come.” Minho added, finally feeling like he could tell hyunjin just a bit of the previous night, “I kind of brought him back to my room last night. He was drunk at that party and I didn’t want to leave him alone so…” he stopped to check up on hyunjin who seemed to be listening intently, “he’s okay now. Chan took him home. It was just a little messy. But I’m good. Changbin helped me out.” He smiled, bringing his own fries to his lips. 

 

“Hm…,” hyunjin was pouting more than anything, “I really hope you’re telling the truth. I just want you happy. Both of you.” 

 

Minho nodded and reassured hyunjin that everything was fine. Whether it was or not at least now hyunjin believed it. Minho wasn’t sure what he was going to do about jisung but for now his mind was at ease. Just for a little he’d try to enjoy his time. 

 

════════════════════════


	4. Feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jisung POV in this one at the end. This is a mess but I hope it’s not too bad lol

══════════════════════  
“Minho.” The voice was gentle and weak. It made Minho shudder and it brought so much pain. Han Jisung. He was right here in that big white coat, those big eyes staring into his soul. 

“Hey…” Minho let out breathlessly, hands in his pockets to keep himself from becoming any more of a nervous wreck. 

“How was your break?” Jisung asked, voice more hoarse than he’d originally thought. Jisung must have been sick the whole break . 

Minho let out a gentle breath before answering, watching jisung closely, “it was nice. Hyunjins family really liked having me. I swear they might adopt me.”

He must’ve sounded nervous because Jisungs expression worsened. Dammit. Luckily it wasn’t enough to cause him to freak out again. Even more ease hit once jisung took Minhos hand, placing two little bags of the cookies hyunjin requested into his palm. Both with little names in sharpie written on the sides. One for him and the other Hyunjins. 

“My mom made some for all of you…she asked about you.” Jisung whispered. Fuck. No. Stop it. Jisungs breaths were heavier and he could tell the younger was getting anxious. He didn’t want jisung having a panic attack in front of him. He couldn’t handle that. Not now, “uh…I didn’t tell her yet. I didn’t know what to say. I just kind of yknow?” He flashed that fake smile. The one that tricked everyone except Minho. Minho knew it was a façade. He hated seeing jisung this way. 

“I’m sorry.” Minho spoke, putting the cookies into his pocket before patting Jisungs hair, the younger shivering at the touch. It felt foreign in only a month. 

Jisung pulled away and offered a laugh, coughing into his sleeve. “I should go. I’ll see you later, Minho.” 

Minho didn’t want him to go. But he needed him to. Jisung would end up having a panic attack if he stayed. Minho could see that much. He truly loved jisung. But he couldn’t be with him. He didn’t deserve him. As jisung had fully left Minhos view he could feel the swelling in his eyes. 

Hours later he had met up again with hyunjin, sat at the cafeteria table they basically claimed. 

“Oh my god you’re the best!” Hyunjin beamed, opening the little bag of cookies and stuffing his face full. Minho smiled back softly before hyunjin stared at him, finishing his chews before speaking again, “Hey…are you okay? I guess you got these directly huh?” 

He knew hyunjin was being careful but he still felt so uneasy. He wanted to break down but he couldn’t. He needed to move on right ?

“Im fine.” Minho spoke up, breaths staggering as he rest his head into his arms that were crossed on the table, “it wasn’t that bad talking to him. You should talk to him though. He looks so lost Jinnie.” 

Hyunjins face looked hurt but he didn’t respond. He just sat there before resting his head against Minhos, poking at the older boys fingers absently before a tray smushed in beside them. 

“Oi what’s this? Are we not sharing?” The Australian laughed, ruffling up the twos hair before opening his utensils. 

“Sung didn’t give you yours yet?” Minho asked, lifting himself from the table to smooth his hair back into somewhat of a decent style. 

Chan shook his head, stuffing his mouth full of rice, “he hadn’t spoken to me at all. I don’t know why. Woojin even got his, said that jisung and him were going to a movie with Seungmin tomorrow.”

That was good. He was glad Woojin and Seungmin were there for Jisung. He really wanted hyunjin to be too though. Jisung missed hyunjin. He could tell. He’d basically stolen his friend. 

“That sucks, here. Maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to it.” Hyunjin shrugged, Chan offering a shrug back as he took the cookie hyunjin held out for him. 

“Wow.” The Aussie beamed, gaining a laugh from the two younger males, “his mother is a goddess.”

“Something like that.” A voice spoke, all three boys turning suddenly to the brunette who was now dressed in another one of his sweaters, black this time. Black looked really good on Jisung. 

“Hey!” Chan smiled, patting the seat beside him for Jisung to scoot into. Oh no. He wasn’t sure how he’d be with just four of them. With everyone it was different but hyunjin and Minho weren’t as close anymore with jisung. It would be weird. 

“No I’m just here to drop this off. I have to go study for one of my tests.” Minho couldn’t tell if he was lying this time. Knowing jisung he probably was , “sorry I hadn’t gotten around to it. I wanted to talk to you in private…maybe tomorrow or so?” He smiled, Minho keeping his gaze down. 

“Oh sure. I’ll be in the production hall till nine if you wanted to walk with me back to the dorms?” Chan was so innocent. His smile was so pure. But Minho could see through it. He could see Chan’s feelings. He might've been the only one who could. 

Jisungs smile grew, maybe it was genuine. He nodded speaking to Chan a little more before waving the boys off, not looking in Minhos direction for too long. 

 

It wasn’t so bad. And his heart hadn’t hurt too much. He’d be okay he thought. Until Chan had to start up a conversation on jisung. One he wasn’t ready to hear just yet. It was basically Chan confessing that he’d liked Jisung for quite some time, and he had a feeling maybe Jisung did too. This of course made Minhos heart fall once more. He loved Chan. But he loved jisung. How was he to tell Chan not to pursue a boy he broke up with? A boy he had hurt. 

════════════════════════

“What should I do?” Minho asked the table, all seven of the other boys there but Jisung and for some reason Felix. Maybe Lix had decided to stay back and hang with Sung. He figured it was far passed time to talk about it. Especially after whatever had happened to Jisung the other night. 

“Talking is key.” Woojin spoke first, watching Minho closely, “you two haven’t spoken much since you broke up. That’s not good. Especially since we’re all friends here.”

“Yeah. Jisung really needs some closure.” Seungmin’s added, probably being the most knowledgeable on how Jisung was feeling. 

Minho wondered if Seungmin hated Minho as much as Jisung probably did. He hid it well if he did. 

“Minho…I’m his best friend so…” Seungmin paused, hand at his temple, “he tells me everything. Seeing him come in with Chan from god knows where was really scary. He refused to tell me where he’d been. And Chan wouldn’t tell me either.” He shot Chan a look, the other merely looking away. 

Minho bit at his bottom lip, he really should tell them. It wasn’t like he could tell them where jisung had been prior to finding him in the closet early in the morning. 

“I don’t remember too much but I woke up on guks couch. At the frat house. And I didn’t remember going back there but apparently I did. Jisung had texted me.” He took his phone out and showed the boys, hyunjin and changbin looking alarmed that jisung hadn’t shown them before. “I only showed Chan Hyung.” He added, Chan offering a weak smile, “I figured Chan should know the whole story I guess…anyways I uh.” He paused again and adjusted himself so he was upright, “I found jisung in the closet. He was passed out. He didn’t look like anyone had tried to mess with him or anything. Just drunk.” He added, wondering if it was even okay to talk about this stuff without jisung being there. 

Changbin spoke a moment, “I checked him over. I can assure he was fine.” He directed this to Hyunjin who looked like he was going to start crying any moment. They all knew that Hyunjin would never forgive himself if anything had happened to the boys after his own encounter. 

Minho waited for Hyunjins face to calm before starting again, “I ended up bringing him back to our dorm. Changbin and I made sure he was okay. I left him with Binnie and ended up seeing Chan. Chan took jisung from there.” He told them, shrugging now. That’s all he remembered. 

“So sungie was drunk? That’s impossible. He’d never go off and get drunk. Are you sure he wasn’t drugged or something?” Seungmin asked, worry stricken on his usual composed face. 

“No. He seemed fine. I think I might have done something when I got back to the frat house…he told me to go away when he saw me.” Minhos throat was getting dry. His body was tense again. He thought he could handle talking to them about this but now his body was burning. He felt like he was crashing again. 

Hyunjin grasped his hand, patting it gently with his other hand, “it’s okay. We believe you. We need to talk to Jisung now don’t we?” He said, seungmin and changbin nodding in agreement. 

“He’s probably with Lix. I’ll text them and see what’s up. If something happened with you two he probably remembers.” Woojin added, texting Felix that they would be going to see them. 

Minho shivered then. Whatever happened last night they’d all find out. Hopefully jisung would tell them. He needed to know. He needed to be able to break away from the endless thoughts. He’d suppressed them all day but now they were coming in hard. And everything started to overwhelm him again. Jisung. Han Jisung. Why can’t you just be happy. Why couldn’t jisung just forget about Minho and be happy. Why did jisung cause him so much heartache? Then again, Minho was to blame. He hurt jisung. And last night must have been the same. He must’ve hurt him again. He needed answers. 

════════════════════════

Jisungs POV

Lee Minho. The name was so common yet it only belonged to one person in Jisungs heart. His Lee Minho. The Lee Minho who was funny, cute, adventurous, smart. He loved his Lee Minho. Minho with his adorable giggly laugh, and his big bright smile, and his messy waved brown hair that jisung loved to rake his fingers through. Minho was captivating. Everything about Minho was beautiful. 

But for some reason Lee Minho didn’t think that Han Jisung was beautiful. He didn’t think that Jisung was any of the things he saw in Minho. At least that’s what Jisung saw. The day they broke up that became clear. His Lee Minho. The Minho that he loved so so much. The Minho he met in the one star diner on September fourteenth. That Minho. He was breaking his heart. 

Jisung couldn’t grasp why Minho would break up with him. Had he done something wrong? What did jisung do? Minho kept repeating that it was just too fast and that he wanted to be friends but jisung couldn’t do that. Not when he loved Minho this much. 

When he first saw Minho his world was turned upside down. The first time they held hands he remembers how fast his heart was beating. The first time they kissed he could remember the exact temperature and how afterwards they both got sick from the rain. He remembered everything. He always did. 

So a cool December night was no different. He could have drank six bottles and he still would have remembered. 

He remembered texting Minho. He remembered that he texted him that he’d fucked up. That he’d messed up. Yeah he had. He messed up. He messed up them. All of a sudden he’s realized that he messed them up. Nothing crazy had happened to him. He just texted Minho. He just wanted to see him. He wanted to fix things. So when he entered the party well after 3 AM he knew Seungmin would be long gone. And he knew it was dangerous there but he needed Minho. 

Just before he left Chan at the production hall he waited outside in the snow, shivering and frantically shaking in the alleyway close to the frat houses. He’d had a panic attack. Out of nowhere he’d panicked. Well maybe not out of nowhere. Maybe it was Chan. Maybe it was Minho. Maybe it was just him. 

He knew Chan liked him. He really did. But he couldn’t love Chan that way. And he didn’t ever want to hurt chan. His heart was already taken. His heart was marked and shipped away to Lee Minho. Even after they’d been apart for two months Jisungs heart was still completely attached to Minho. It sucked. Maybe that’s what he fucked up. 

Now he was inside, music blaring and people he didn’t know dancing. He was uncomfortable and uneasy but there wasn’t much he could do about that. He took a random unopened bottle of gin and pulled himself away upstairs, making sure the door was locked and that he was alone. He knew that he’d have to be careful after what happened months ago to his best friend. 

So he texted Minho and waited. Eventually Minho showed up. He was already very much drunk, and Jisung could tell he wasn’t all there. So he pulled Minho into the room, making sure the door was locked again before sitting on the bed, shaking again from the fear of talking to Minho. 

“Sung…” Minho whispered out, lifting the boys chin to look him in the eyes, “what happened? Are you okay?” Minho was drunk but his head was clear enough to talk to him. 

Jisungs tears welled up and he sobbed into the others hand. This sucked. He just wanted to talk but here he was too much of a coward to. All he could do was cry and Minho pulled him into a hug. He hated this so much, he just wanted his Minho back. 

So he very very stupidly kissed him. He pulled Minhos face to his and he kissed him. This was wrong but it’s all he wanted. He just wanted Minho back. Minho had left him for no good reason anyways. 

It didn’t matter how drunk Minho was he still shoved jisung off of him, jisung nearly falling off the bed. 

“We’re not dating Sung. Stop.” Minhos voice was cracked but firm. Jisung knew he’d drawn a line. He fucked up for real. 

“Why? Why aren’t we dating? What did I do?!” Jisung was practically yelling over his sobs and he could see how hurt Minho was becoming. 

“Because…” he whispered back, jisung shaking his head and shoving Minho hard. 

“Because why!? What did I do to you to make you do that to me? We were fine and we were happy so why?!” Jisungs voice was hoarse. And he was shaking again. He couldn’t even see through his tears. 

He didn’t expect Minhos answer. He didn’t want it but it came. The dreaded answer. He didn’t know if he believed it but at the time he truly did. 

“I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I just want to be alone.” The answer was like venom on Minhos tongue, striking jisung with so much force. But Minhos expression didn’t match. What the fuck?

Minhos words had been enough to send jisung out the door with that stupid gin in hand and back downstairs where the music boomed. He could feel his body shake and he knew he needed to get out of here. But it wasn’t safe. Nothing was safe. So he reached for a closet, closing himself in and panting heavily. He was so stupid. Why did he do that. That’s not what he wanted. He didn’t want Minho to say that. He wasn’t supposed to say that. 

Jisungs chest was tight and his vision was so foggy. He finally took his contacts out, tossing them aside so he could cry in peace. He didn’t want to have another fucking panic attack either but here it was keeping him from his peace. He calmed down after about thirty minutes, the sounds of people leaving the frat house burning into his mind. He wasn’t sure if Minho had left but he’d hoped he had. 

As jisung clutched his chest and gathered his breath he fell along the wall, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and popping the bottle opened. He didn’t care what happened right now. He just wanted to forget. If for once his stupid memory would let him, he’d love to forget this night. To forget Minhos words. 

But that didn’t seem to happen. Because next thing he knew he was in Lee Minhos bed. And Seo Changbin was watching him from their desk. And his heart was torn. And he felt sick. 

 

Changbin said something to him but he couldn’t deal with that right now. And he couldn’t focus on this anymore. It was all just too much. Hours passed and now he was waking to Chan. This was nice though. Chan was close to him. And he knew Chan wouldn’t hurt him. But then he saw Minho. And Minho saw him. 

Jisung didn’t think that Minho had remembered the other night but jisung surely did. He remembered so clearly that Minho told him that he didn’t love him anymore. Clear and painful. And his chest was numb again luckily he kept up his farce and was able to leave with Chan. Minho looked so worried but how dare he. He hurt jisung again. He had no right to look worried. 

 

Fuck Lee Minho. 

That would have been easier. Just saying fuck all of it. But it wasn’t that easy. Love wasn’t that easy. So when Chan dropped him off he felt broken. He felt so alone and scared that he buried himself in his own sheets and cried. 

When Seungmin had returned from class and asked jisung where he’d been he lied and said he was with Felix. Thankfully jisung texted Felix immediately to cover for him. It was also Felix who got the full story of what happened. He trusted Felix and knew he’d never tell Minho. Seungmin was his closest friend but he was a lot closer to Minho. He just trusted Felix more with this. 

He would be okay. He’d just hide from Minho forever. Wrong. Felix lifted up from where he’d been laying and showed jisung the string of messages from their friends. Minho wanted to talk to him. No. No no no no no. Jisung shuddered, head throbbing and body betraying him. He threw up so much while Felix went to tell the others that jisung wasn’t feeling up to it. He didn’t want to see Minho. His heart was still tender and Minho would just break it sober. He couldn’t handle it. 

“Sung I tried but Minnie and Hyunjin are coming with Minho. I can tell them at the door that Minho can’t come in okay?” Felix was a worried mess, brushing jisung hair back as he emptied his stomach into the toilet, jisung nothing but tears and sobs. 

He couldn’t reply and Felix just opted to rub his back and shush the day-older boy. It’s all he could do. Jisung didn’t blame him. There wasn’t much Felix could do to stop this inevitable sober conversation. Jisung just wasn’t ready. He didn’t want this. 

“Sung…” Felix whispered besides him as a knock hit their door. Jisung could feel pressure in his lungs. And he breathed gently as hyunjin entered his room, frowning to Felix who was rubbing the boys back calmly. 

“Hey Jisungie…it’s just me for now.” Hyunjin said in a whisper, seeing Jisung like this for the first time. 

Jisung composed himself briefly, gripping the toilet bowl as he sniffled and pulled himself up, “I’m sorry. I’ll clean your toilet. I just…I didn’t want to go to my room. It felt safer here.” He whispered out. 

 

Hyunjins face was filled of worry. It didn’t ease jisung at all. 

 

“What happened?” Hyunjin asked, taking Felix spot, pressing little kisses to Jisungs hair. 

Jisung opened his mouth to speak but sobs came out instead. He was so sick of crying but now he was in Hyunjins arms, being rocked soothingly. He could hear the door open again and his breath hitched in shock to see Changbin, who was pushing Minho back out into the hall. 

“Jisung…” the shorter male frowned, turning back and heading outside again. This was no time to talk. Jisung was thankful changbin could see that. 

 

“Please talk to me.” Hyunjin begged, drawing circles on Jisungs hand. It’d been an hour since his last anxious moment, and hyunjin has sat at the bathroom floor with him. Felix was sat at the other side, back of his head pressed against the wall as he watched them. There was something comforting about the two of them being there for him. 

“Okay…” jisung managed, voice still tense yet audible, “I went to see Minho last night. But he was drunk. He didn’t look like he remembered anything.” The brunette sigh, rubbing his sore eyes with his soppy sleeve. He had yet to change from last night. 

“Yeah…Min said he didn’t remember anything. He showed us the texts and said you were mad at him. Did he hurt you at all?” Jisung was shocked that hyunjin would jump to that conclusion but it kind of made sense. Hyunjin knew people changed when they were drunk. Minho was one of those people. The incident with Hyunjin and that girl was proof. He was an angry drunk. But a protective one. So he wouldn’t hurt jisung. Never. 

“No he didn’t. He didn’t touch me he…” he stopped and breathed hoarsely again before glancing into Hyunjins worried eyes, “I did this. I kissed him when I knew he was drunk so he pushed me off and…I asked him why he broke up with me and…” he felt the sobs gather and hyunjin shushed him again, trying his hardest to soothe him as Felix scooted to his side to rest Jisungs head on his shoulder. 

“He said he didn’t love me anymore. That’s what he told me.” It hurt to say it out loud. But they needed to hear it. He wanted this to end. As much as it hurt they deserved the truth. They were his best friends. Hopefully Minho and Changbin had left. But he wasn’t so sure considering he could hear changbin call after Minho who he was hoping and praying had not just heard him and rushed off. 

“There’s no way. He loves you sungie…” Hyunjin frowned back, brushing Jisungs hair from his sweat covered forehead. 

Jisung had a hard time believing that. “He said that to me. That’s what he said. He said he didn’t want me so…I went downstairs. I had an episode and put myself in the closet. Then I drank that stupid alcohol and now we’re here…” he whispered, trying hard to keep his voice low and from breaking apart any more. 

Felix and hyunjin just sigh, comforting and telling jisung that they’d be there for him. And that he needed to talk to a sober Minho. But jisung didn’t want that. He didn’t want to see Minho. He didn’t want to hear Minho tell him that he doesn’t love him again. He couldn’t bare it. 

════════════════════════

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi if you’re still here I’m sorry for the wild ride. This is a mess and I wrote it fast so I hope it’s not too messy. The last part should come soon but every time I read it I end up editing again lol


	5. Conclusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. I kind of hate it but I love it at the same time??? I’m sorry for this angst lol

════════════════════════

Minho hated this. He hated how jisung thought that Minho didn’t love him anymore. He hated how he knows that he probably said that to him and he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He loved jisung so much why would he say that to him? Minhos chest was in so much pain. He couldn’t believe what he’d heard. Jisung had literally just told them that Minho broke up with him because he stopped loving him and that’s no true. It’s not true at all. Minho loved him. He did. 

 

Changbin sigh, rubbing Minhos back after he’d run to the stairwell. He was breathing hard, sat against the wall by the staircase now. He couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe he’d said those false and horrible words to Sung. Jisung would never forgive him for this. There was no way. If jisung had done that to Minho he would’ve broken down completely. Jesus why did Minho break up with jisung. Why did he do this. This was all his stupid fault. He hurt jisung for no good reason. Why did he do that to him? But why did jisung accept it so easily? Why were they so toxic for each other ? No they weren’t toxic. They were perfect. What the fuck. 

 

“Min…” Changbin sigh beside him, settling down next to him, “you need to talk to him now. Minho this is bad. You don’t remember saying those things do you?” He asked as Minho threw his head back and cursed under his breath. 

 

“No.” He replied, raking a hand through his dark matted hair, “I love him. I really do. I don’t know why I broke up with him. I don’t know why I said those things to him. I hurt him so so bad.” 

 

“People don’t break up with people for no reason. Why did you do it.” Changbins voice was now filled with irritation. He loved Minho but this was annoying. “How do you not know why you left him!?” His voice was higher now. 

 

He knew Changbin was right. He knew that he was just as frustrated as Minho was. But he didn’t honestly have a reason. Other than jisung deserving better but that’s a stupid reason. Minho really didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with his brain. 

 

“He deserves more. I didn’t think he would just accept it.” He whispered, changbin turning to face him as he hissed, “I don’t know why I left him. I just want him happier. I don’t think I’m good for him. I don’t know.”

 

“You’re a fucking idiot. You’re so stupid. Minho you fucked your whole relationship over doubt. And now look at you guys.” Changbin growled, not looking at Minho anymore. He knew Changbin loved him but he was a lot like Hyunjin. Changbin could only handle so much and this just didn’t make sense. Minho had hurt someone they all cared about for no reason. And it crushed them. It crushed Minho. 

 

“I know. I know I did.” Minho breathed out. 

 

“You make no sense. Jesus Christ. If you have someone you love you don’t hurt them like that. If you’re doubting yourself you talk to someone. Jesus he probably thinks you hate him..” the other males hands were now at his forehead in complete frustration, “he probably believes what you said. Fuck, I would believe that too.”

 

Changbins words stung. They were full of truth but it hurt. It hurt almost as much as his eyes which were reddened and sore. His soul hurt too. He felt miserable and he just wanted to sleep.

 

“I’ll talk to him. But now he needs them. He doesn’t need more stress I’m sure he’s already suffered enough because of me.” Minhos voice was weak and hoarse again, and his eyes and lips were betraying him again. But he held it all in. As much as he could. He didn’t have the right to break down anymore. He caused everything. This was all on him now. 

 

Changbin frowned, rubbing his temples as he began to speak again, “Minho. You can’t wait. If you wait it’ll sit. You need to tell him now. You need to go fix this.” Changbins voice was low and sympathetic now. “The more time he has with this the more it’ll hurt him. I’m not letting you hurt this boy any longer. I love you to death but you go in there and fucking fix this bullshit.”

 

He was right. But Minhos legs were so wobbly and he wasn’t sure he could face jisung right now. Not like this. Jisung was in shambles and it was all his fault. He didn’t want to hurt him more. But waiting was hurting him this was all hurting him so much 

 

So he had to stop. Minho bit his lip and looked to changbin who had his face buried in his knees. “Hey Binnie. I’m so sorry. Thank you.” Changbin looked confused a moment before smacking his friend's arm, sighing against the wall. 

 

“Go apologize. Like you mean it. You’re so dumb Lee Minho.” He told him as Minho started to get up. Changbin stay crouched by the wall as Minho started back down the hall. He could hear the younger cursing behind him. He needed to fix this. His heart and his brain were muddled with stupid thoughts but he had to do this. He couldn’t let himself get away with hurting this boy. 

 

The walk back to hyunjin and Felix’s dorm room was longer than it should have been and he could swear the voice in his head was telling him this was a mistake. Why was he so messed up? But he kept on. He wasn’t going to stop now. Jisung deserved the truth. Minho gulped down the lump that sat at the base of his throat and his knuckle hit the door twice before backing away a bit. He wasn’t sure they’d even open the door but he swore he heard jisung telling them not to open it. That hurt. But he was sure jisung hurt more. He couldn’t blame Jisung for any of this. 

 

“Hi…” Hyunjin sigh opening the door a crack, stepping out to stand beside Minho, hands in his pockets as he let out a pouty breath, “he doesn’t really want to see you…” something told Minho that Hyunjin didn’t really want to see him either. 

 

Minho nodded though. “I know.” He began, leaning onto the door now, “I said something bad. I don’t remember saying it. You know I didn’t mean it. I would never mean that.” Minhos voice was soft but he kept his composure. He had to, for jisung. Hyunjin raised a brow as if he was hearing a joke. 

 

“Ah…Minho. Give me a second. If this boy has a panic attack because of you I’m gonna kill you.” Hyunjin warned, opening the door and keeping Minho behind him. He was dead serious too because he shoved Minho back as soon as they set eyes on the broken blonde at the bathroom floor. 

 

Minhos heart was telling him to stop but he couldn’t. He had to do this. He needed to. He couldn’t keep doing this. He had to love jisung. It was all he wanted. He didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He didn’t think he’d ever be good enough for jisung but…it seemed Jisung was more hurt when they weren’t together. He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t do this to him. 

 

As he approached the two boys on the floor he could hear Jisungs sobs, making him bite hard at his bottom lip, face scrunching up in pain for the other boy. He hated seeing jisung cry. He hated that he’d cause it. 

 

“Hey Sungie…please don’t be mad.” Hyunjin started, patting the youngers hair. Felix gave Minho a worried look before lifting up and offering Minho a nod as if he was supposed to take over. He was surprised Felix didn’t push him out. Felix was so close to jisung and he was sure he’d take his side over Minhos. But here he was, getting up for him to settle into the gingers seat. The two boys pulled back, watching Jisung closely.

 

Jisung didn’t move when Minho settled beside him, back against the wall. Jisung just hid his face and tried to control the sobs. Jisung was aware Minho was there. He could tell by the way the younger had sank further into himself as he inched down beside him. It made Minho frown. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to pet his hair. But he didn’t have any right. He had no right to rip this boys heart apart anymore than he already had. 

 

“If anything happens I’ll be right outside.” Hyunjin reassured as he pulled Felix out entirely, closing the bathroom door behind them, “don’t you dare hurt him or youre dead.” Hyunjin spoke, Felix tugging him back and muttering an apology to Minho he deserved Hyunjins words though 

 

They sat in silence before Minho turned to speak, lump forming in his throat again, “Sung…”

 

Jisung lifted his gaze, those squinted sad eyes looking at him now. He must have taken out his contacts because he never squinted. This poor baby was crying so much he Must have taken them out 

 

“Hi.” Minho whispered, cautiously letting his fingers brush the hair from the others face, resting amongst the swelled cheek. He didn’t have any right to touch him but he couldn’t help it. If jisung didn’t want him there he’d tell him. 

 

Jisung didn’t speak he just nuzzled into the others touch, sniffling to himself. Minho was taken aback by the brunettes reaction. He really wouldn’t have pictured things going this way. Jisung really did seem as if he had never been more comfortable despite their situation. He just rest his cheek against the other. He looked peaceful though his face was red that he had tear streaks burned into his cheeks. He looked so pitiful. But he wasn’t pushing Minho away. He didn’t do anything. 

 

“I don’t think anything I say can change what happened last night.” Minhos voice must have been like honey because Jisungs expression indefinitely softened, almost as if he was completely calmed down now. 

 

“Don’t say anything….” Jisung spoke seeming content in the hand he was on. He scooted himself closer so he could rest his whole head into Minhos shoulder. He seemed so comfortable. Why?

 

“Just know I didn’t mean it.” Jisung sniffled again, lacing his fingers in Minhos. Minho sigh, placing a small peck to Jisungs hair, “I think that…there’s something wrong with me.” He wasn’t sure why Jisung had suddenly let him do this. Any sane person would have pushed him away and told him to go to hell. Jisung loved Minho too much. Minho did not deserve him. 

 

“You think…?” The younger whispered through a small chuckle, finding much comfort with Minho. Why?

 

Minho gazed to the other back before bringing Jisungs hand up to his lips, peppering tiny kisses. He wanted jisung to stop crying because of him. He wanted jisung to be happy. He really did. He didn’t deserve this boy at all. He never had. 

 

“Two months ago I made a dumb mistake. I broke my best friends heart. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I would ever hurt you like that but…” he stopped, Jisungs breathing finally sounding normal and steady, “but. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t think I’ll ever know. Just please know I never stopped loving you Han Jisung.”

 

Jisungs breathing changed again. But it was more irritation. As long as Sung didn’t start hyperventilating he figured he was alright to continue. 

 

“I’m not a good boyfriend. I’m not good enough for you. I never felt like I matched up to you. I’ve never once believed that you and I were going to last because of that.” Minho whispered, jisung raising his head to look at Minho again. His brown hair was now covering his eyes and his pout was heavy. 

 

“Minho…what are you taking about?” Jisungs voice was so weak, “you're amazing. You are everything that I love. Why would you try to ruin that?” Minho couldn’t believe him. Why did jisung still love him? Though he nodded in reply, continuing to leave little kisses on Jisungs knuckles he couldn’t wrap his head around it at all. 

 

“I hurt you for no reason. I hurt you because I didn’t think I was worth your time. I thought you’d be happy without me but you didn’t move on. And last night…I don’t know what I did but I’m so sorry, jisung. I don’t know why I would say that to you. I couldn’t never stop loving you. I would never-“ He whispered back, jisung cutting him off and moving in front of Minho. 

 

“Stop.” He said, gripping either side of Minhos face in his hands, “last night…last night I messed up too. I shouldn’t have done that. I texted you when I wasn’t in any trouble. I used your worry to bring you to me. I-“ Jisung stopped himself in order to keep himself from losing breath. He was also so hoarse and it was breaking Minhos heart more, “I knew you were drunk and I still brought you upstairs. I kissed you and you pushed me away and I just didn’t understand. But last night is my fault. You were drunk and you didn’t know what was happening..” Jisung said back, thumbs caressing Minhos cool cheeks, “I’m sorry for this.”

 

“No,” Minho wouldn’t believe for a second that jisung was at fault for last night. They would have still been avoiding each other if last night didn’t happen though. If last night didn’t happen jisung would be hurting silently. And Minho would be breaking down every day because of it. Eventually something would have happened to hurt them. “This is my fault. Mine. Don’t you ever think this was your fault, Sungie.” He brought his hands up to Jisungs own face as the younger males hands slipped back to his knees. “I love you.” 

 

Jisungs face was a soft pink, his eyes still puffy and sore but the glaze over them looked more hopeful than sad. For some reason jisung still wanted Minho. After all of this the boy still wanted him. 

 

“Jisung,” Minho whispered then, thumbs brushing at the others cheeks stained with tears, “you have to ask permission for kisses by the way…you can’t go kissing people without their permission.” His thumb grazing over the others bitten and chapped lips. “Like this.” Minho breathed, leaning himself in to the brunette, lips ghosting over the others, “can I?” He wasn’t sure what possessed him to do this. Minho shouldn’t have done this. Even if he wanted nothing more. Jisung didn’t deserve this confusion from him. 

 

But for some fucked up reason the universe was being kinder to Minho than he deserved. Because jisung gave that little nod and longing look in his eyes. For some messed up reason jisung was willing to let Minho do this. So after asking once more the younger had moved and placed those lips over Minhos. It was so comfortable. So familiar and what he’d always remembered . Why did he break up with Han Jisung? 

 

Jisung seemed like he’d break under the touch when Minho pressed into the kiss. He moved his arms to wrap around Minhos neck now, foreheads pressed against one another. Their kisses grew and continued for a lot longer than he’d expected. He expected jisung to pull away immediately. But for some reason the brunette was firmly planted against Minho. 

 

They were like that awhile longer on the small bathroom floor. They had honestly lost track of time but eventually there was a knock from a concerned Felix who asked simply if they were okay. Jisung buried his head into Minhos shoulder then, breaths shallow from refusing to get oxygen from their kisses. 

 

“We’re fine.” Minho smiled. He could tell his voice was a little too smooth and breathless. Hopefully the other two didn’t notice. He pulled jisung to his chest, hands rubbing the other boys back. He swore he could hear a content sigh on the other side of the door from hyunjin. So they had heard. He smiled into the others shoulder, holding him close. 

 

A little longer they sat like this. But eventually jisung started to complain that the position was making his knees hurt. So they got up, fingers laced again. Jisungs face was still flush and his cheeks and eyes were still red, but he looked beautiful. So so beautiful. And Minhos heart and mind raced. He couldn’t understand. Why did he break up with Han Jisung? He didn’t think he’d ever find an answer that made sense. Because it just didn’t make sense. 

 

════════════════════════

 

“Just know if jisung ever cries again I’m going to fucking kill you, Lee.” Seungmin threatened, giving Minho a glare and finger across the neck in indication he wasn’t kidding. Jisung and he had just arrived at the table with their fingers laced together. It would still take a lot to get everything back to normal. 

 

Seungmin’s comment only made jisung let out his genuine laugh, “please don’t kill him. I need him!” Jisungs arms were wrapped securely about Minhos waist, hugging him from behind. He was content. 

 

“I’m serious.” Seungmin said, causing the rest of the table to nod in agreement. If he ever made jisung cry again he was sure to have six protective and angry boys after him. 

 

“Minho don’t pull that shit again. I’ll take him from you next time.” Chan winked, jisung scrunching his nose in reply. 

 

Minho rest his head onto jisungs, where it lay perfectly as Jisungs rest at his shoulder, “Like he’d ever let you.”

 

“Chan’s cute what do you mean!” Jisung laughed, defending a now proud Chan while he rest his head at the others shoulder. 

 

Minho didn’t have much worry. Though he knew he would never be what jisung needed, he was content on knowing that he was everything that the boy wanted. It was enough for him. Minho was still unsure of himself, but he wouldn’t hurt jisung again. Those smiles and laughs cleared Minhos doubt every time and he knew he couldn’t hurt him again. Never. 

 

════════════════════════

 

The fireworks filled the sky, stars hiding amongst the lights and smoke that filled the air. The air was crisp but perfect. Jisung was wearing a bright red sweater, freshly dyed black hair contrasting beautifully against the fabric. Jisung really did need to let his scalp breath, minho thought. But his eyes had brightened, his smile had too. Minho rest on his arms comfortably, his loose black sweater warming him along with the boy pressed at his side. The last few weeks were amazing. It was almost as if Minhos doubt he’d completely left him. Jisung had managed to replace every negative with an overwhelming positive. 

 

 

Winter break was tomorrow. The school had thrown a little firework display to send the students off for the month. Minho would make sure cherish his moments with Jisung. They’d just found their way back to each other and he would already be separating from him again 

 

“Minho.” The dark haired younger whispered, resting his face into Minhos neck, breath warming him, “I want to go with you. I don’t want to go to Malaysia next week…” Minho paused and shot jisung a look of disbelief. 

 

“But haven’t you bought your ticket? Your parents will-“ he was cut off with a small peck to the corner of his mouth, Jisung cupping his face. 

 

“I’d rather spend it with you. I want to spend it with you…Next year you can come to Malaysia.” He spoke, releasing his face to wrap his arms securely around Minhos neck. 

 

Minho smiled slightly, brushing a long strand of hair behind the Jisungs ear , “you already cancelled your ticket, didn’t you?” To this the younger scrunched his nose and pouted in response. Yes. Of course he had. He planned this. This little squirrel was smart. 

 

“Does your mom know?” He asked, pulling jisung onto his lap, “did you tell her you weren’t going to show up? That’s not fair to her.” He spoke then, hands rubbing the others sides. 

 

Jisungs eyes rolled before he rest his head onto Minhos shoulder, “would you hate me if I told you she insisted I spend it with you?” 

 

Minho honestly couldn’t believe that. He moved his hands to wrap comfortably around the other back, “why would she agree to that?” 

 

The younger huffed, “I told her everything. Everything without sparing any detail,” He started, a lump forming in Minhos throat as jisung spoke, “she was angry and then she wasn’t. She told me we shouldn’t be apart. She doesn’t want to have to come up here and kill you.” 

 

Minhos lips curled into a smile as he nuzzled his nose against the others now before breaking out into laughter. As serious as Jisung sounded he couldn’t help but think it was hilarious that Jisungs mom would let jisung stay like this. 

 

“I’m not kidding, Minho. My mom will kick your ass.” Jisung started, unable to keep his own face straight. 

 

“Yeah, your mom has permission to do so if I hurt you again...not that I would..” Minho whispered then, lips ghosting over the others playfully. 

 

Jisung whined, producing the cutest puppy eyes he’d ever seen, “Minhoooo, answer me. Can I spend it with you?”

 

Minho had never told his mom or dad what happened. He intended to never mention it to them considering his own dad would probably murder him for hurting his favorite of Minhos significant others. So in reply he pressed a light kiss to Jisungs lips, nodding and producing that stupid big grin he had. Jisungs face lit up and he practically jumped, shoving them both backwards in laughs. 

 

Minho would never be able to comprehend why he’d hurt Jisung just weeks ago. He wasn’t really sure he’d ever get over it. He had no clue how jisung ever would either. But he was happy. Jisung was, too. 

 

Minho would be selfish. He knew it was wrong to keep jisung with someone so selfish but he couldn’t help it. He knew he was bad for jisung. But he couldn’t let him go, he wouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it’s a little open ended or whatever ? Minho thinks he’s selfish because he’s pulled jisung back into the same mess. Hopefully Minho doesn’t break it off again but I guess we’ll never know ;))))
> 
> I’m sorry for this fic lmao thanks for reading my mess!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi if you’re reading this thanks for reading. I wrote this because I was angry so I’m sorry if it’s confusing <3


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